Choice is your weapon. Belief is your weapon. No one can hurt you if you remember that you have been through the worst and you were not broken…
Ultimately we are fortunate enough to live in a godless universe, which harbours neither a particular care nor a omnipresent contempt for us. Probability is the highest resolution.
My radio silence has come from an unlikely chain of events which have led me to have what appears to be a career. At the very least, I’ve wound up in a situation where people are counting on me, and its taken up most of my runtime. As the months have rolled on, its all coming together into something I’m a little unnerved by.
I’ve never been the “I told you so” sort, but sometimes you hope and pray the patterns you’re seeing won’t come together. And then they do. I still believe in Icarus, but tested in the real world, the London Project has stalled. I won’t say its died, but what has kept it vital and alive has faltered. I have my own thoughts on the how and why, but I’m a little shy about sharing them, even here, in a blog I’ve always demanded be open and honest. My reasons come from my respect for others, because Icarus brings people together, and I cannot – will not – speak for us all.
One thing I have come to realise in the past 6 months is that I can no longer compartmentalise my life. Activist, employee, friend, son, brother, uncle, lover, hater, bipolar, epileptic, mutant, augmented, bisexual – epithets are necessary and inevitable; but I realise that the extent to which I try and live up to them is too much. When they slap a mental health label on you, it grants you a potent standard you can march under. But I’ve taken it for granted my whole life. Cast it as my defining characteristic, the stellar matter around which everything else must coalesce.
Broadly speaking, this is correct. But rather than allow a single aspect of my experience to become my fulcrum point, I should be trying to give expression to everything I am. For too long I’ve held off making choices or taking risks because of the perceived costs and potential, negative consequences. However I have been unable to avoid pain and misery even through such an approach, so why should I cut off any potential, positive ones too?
Risk always carries value. Sometimes you’ll wonder if the cost you’ve paid is too high, but at least you have learned something. What I have come to learn is that I can’t predict the future. The patterns I see are not always on the money, and when they are, they do not represent the whole equation. I have an input, I can make a contribution which affects the outcome. To be afraid is not a bad thing. Believing that you cannot do anything but be afraid is.
Visions come to prepared spirits…
I’m not 100% sure what this all means or where it leaves me. I have to make decisions and face consequences I think. Throw myself in rather than dip a toe. I have to think of myself as a person rather than a platform for an idea or disorder or abstract. The simple fact is that there is always hope, always truth and revelation and never any decent reason to remain on the sidelines.